I'm not certain where this thought will lead me, I'm not sure I want to go there, but sometimes you have to fight, even yourself, to get to where you need to be.
I have a thought that maybe I am depressed, that all of life's troubles has brought me to that place. I feel so stuck, and I really don't know where to go.
I was never rooted in my faith, it spirals from everywhere, but I want to take it where it needs to go so that I may really feel the presence of the Lord, and not doubt Him, in every way, when life throws me off balance I never automatically run to the Lord, I'm not sure He hears me or even if He is real. I have served our parish for half of my married life, held positions I'm not sure I'm worthy of, but tried my darndest to do the job given to me. I'm not sure if I did right by the parishioners, and by the parish but as I said. I tried my best.
I feel so alone, so lost, so out of it, and the person I considered my best friend, my husband. Well, truth be told, I'm not sure we have anything in common. We are polar opposites, I don't like the kind of music he like, and he doesn't like mine. Perhaps the only thing we can agree on is the food. We like to eat and cook. But over all, if our love wasn't such a whirlwind, I think we would have broken up before we even started thinking about being together for good.
Right now, I think I have given up on the idea that he will ever change or that he will ever hear or listen to me. I want to unlearn to be with him, I want to unlearn leaning on him for stuff to be done or for what I need. I feel that my life will be much better and move farther if I let him go. I know a lot of people will be shocked at this thought but sometimes, I really do feel like I want to go. I want to give up, I want to shout! I want him to listen to me, I want him to hear me, I want him to understand me, but how? when I can't even understand myself.
Here's to fulfilling all my hopes and coming out sane! Pray for me
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