Manang Beth

We lost our beloved "Manang Beth" today to cancer. She has fought long and hard, now she is finally at rest. For the past year, time and again she has told us, how tired she was and how she was wanting to come home to our Father already, but as I've said to her, it is between her and God. I told her to pray and discern what God still wants her to do on this earth, why He isn't calling her home yet. Perhaps, she had made a deal with God and He has finally allowed her to come home. 

Yes, I have my own sorrow, although deep in my heart I know that she is at peace, but me, for now, I'm not. I would have gladly taken care of her some more, if it meant a little more time with her, but yes, it is her time. A friend - I will boldly say this! LOL (if she ever gets to read this, I think she will understand the boldness! - but for now, that's my secret to keep :)) told us that she was once asked when her father died and she was saying she wished he wasn't, that if that desire is for her, or for her dad. because if it was for her, then it was out of selfishness. and I get that so deeply. M'Beth was in deep pain and she was suffering so much, with her life, not a life anymore. I will tell her cancer story one of these days, but for now let's keep that hanging and just let me vent out my grief and allow me this moment to focus there and not her sickness. 

To M'Beth - I honestly never thought that losing you will break my heart so deeply. I remember when I complained so many times to my Rhandy and even to friends whenever we had disagreements. Even when you got sick, I never involved myself with those (for me at least) trivialities. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought that we will become so close that your death will have such an effect on me. Oh, I knew things will change in the house and all that, but I have never imagined that it will impact me so personally. that tears would so freely flow and dare not stop. 

I had prayed for your recovery, I had prayed for your peace, I had prayed that God's will be done in your life, seeing how difficult life was becoming for you, but I never thought that when that day did come, I realized I wasn't ready, that I was willing to "serve" you one more day, just so you don't leave us. 

But yeah, I knew how difficult life was becoming, as if it wasn't difficult enough as it was with your disease right at your heel. So, I would be the first to say that it was so difficult to pray for you, because I didn't know what to pray for, but every now and again I would utter a simple prayer to God for your life, that His will be done. I knew also how tired you were already and how you had wanted to go home already. So I knew that you going away is also something you have looked forward to. God is indeed good when He finally brought you home in His embrace. 

But I realized, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let you go, so it hurt, and it hurt a lot. I knew that the desire for you to stay was mine, even if you were hurting so bad, I still wanted you to stay, but yeah, God has finally granted your prayer, to stop the pain, give you rest. And even as I hurt, we hurt, we know that it was for you, when God finally decided to end your pain.  Rest in God's loving embrace Manang Beth. I will always cherish and keep you inside my heart.